Archives for December 2016

On Happiness and being Selfish

The photo below is what one looks like when it’s only Tuesday but it feels like Friday and you’ve had the craziest few weeks and you try and leave the office before 6:00pm and you go to the bathroom down the hall and then come back and then realize that your badge isn’t working to let you in to your office and all of your stuff is there and you feel like crying but instead you find a random phone and call security and you wait 5 minutes and they finally show up to then tell you that their badge doesn’t work either and they’ll be right back and you wait another 10 minutes and then they come back with a master key only the master key doesn’t work so they tell you they’ll be back in a bit again, so you wait and then they return and tell you that they are doing a security upgrade on the 12th floor and for some reason out of all the badge scanners in the building the badge scanner to your office on the 15th floor is connected to all the scanners on the 12th floor so they have to call some people and halt the upgrade the technicians are working on so they disappear again and then return and someone on their cell phone opens the door and then you finally get in to your office and get your stuff and it’s almost 7:00pm and you head outside to walk home and realize it’s POURING ice cold freezing rain and you don’t have a hood, an umbrella or even a hat, so you just step out in the rain and put your music on and start walking home and burst out in explosive laughter in the middle of Front Street in downtown Toronto and you look like a crazy person but you don’t even care because for some reason you’re ridiculously happy and all the crap that happened is just funny and not really that important and at the end of the day you have a choice to make light of it all and enjoy these random moments instead of taking the easy route and deciding to be miserable and cold and tired.
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My older brother has always had a way with words. He is able to perfectly express even the deepest and most intense emotions by just writing them down in a way that I am not able. Without a doubt, he always nails it. It wasn’t long ago that he said to someone in our family, “happiness is something that you seek out with a vengeance, not something that is given” and I keep returning to those words again and again when I feel like giving in to a rough day and feeling sorry for myself.

I recently found myself in a huge rut where I was truly unhappy for quite some time. I woke up dreading the day, and then would spend the entire day looking forward to going to bed that night. When bed time came around, I would then panic as I tried to fall asleep as I knew I would soon have to wake up and face a new day, going through it all again.

Before I go on and bore you with the details of the rut I was in, I will start this off by saying that I don’t think being selfish is something to aspire to or necessary take pride in. However, being selfish is something that we all have to and SHOULD do at certain points in our lives. I’m not talking take-the-last seat-on-the-bus-when-there-is-a-pregnant-woman-waiting-for-a-seat-because-your-feet-hurt selfish, but more along the lines of look-out-for-you-in situations-where-the-outcome-impacts-your-well-being selfish.

During my little rut and depressive state, I decided I had to make some sort of change and I found myself in a position where I had to make a very difficult decision. I agonized over it, and I mean agonized, lost-sleep-didn’t-eat-had-near panic attacks-drove-my-husband-crazy agonized. After seeking advice from my closest confidants (best friends, family, my pets, the barista in the coffee shop down the street, etc.) they all helped me see that it was pretty obvious I had already made up my mind.

It took me a while to admit that I wanted the outcome that I did. I needed others to say it for me, to justify it, to validate that I was doing the right thing. It was so hard for me to admit what I wanted because making the decision I did was purely, pretty selfish. The only person my chosen outcome would benefit, was me,  even if that meant leaving others a little less-than-impressed, scrambling and over-loaded.

I don’t like to villainize the word selfish because sometimes in situations like this, I think being selfish is exactly what we need. Even though I like to consider myself confident, assertive and not afraid to go after what I want, as a female in our society I also always unfortunately am always worried about being “nice” and not letting others down. Of course no one wants to let people down, and being nice is certainly a desirable trait. But for the purpose of this post, and for others who may be going through something similar, I will say one thing: f**k being nice and just be selfish.

I realized that my agonizing came from the fact that I was so worried about what other people would think, how they would react and how it would make me look instead of the actual decision itself. When I took that out of the equation, it was a no-brainer. Why was I worrying so much about how other people felt when I knew that the decision I wanted to make would make me so happy?

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So, I did it. I took that leap of faith and went after what I wanted. It was really scary, but not any scarier than feeling stuck and miserable every day. And you know what? People weren’t as upset about it as I thought they would be, in fact, most people understood. Making that change was worth it, it felt good and it was empowering to truly just look out for me. Now, from the other side of it all, I remind myself constantly that I chose happiness and I will continue to choose it, even on the days where it feels out of reach, because I can, and because I have the power to choose it over and over again.

Admitting you’re unhappy can be scary but it is something only you can do. Once you admit it, you are that much closer to being happy. To actually realize that you have the power to take the steps and action that lead to happiness is even scarier.  But the true, shake-in-your-boots fear comes when you actually take that action. When you face the fear and take a leap of faith. Trust that faith you have in your decision. The view from the other side is worth it. Just like you are the only one who can admit that you are unhappy, you are also the only one who can decide to be happy and take the steps to get there. No one else can do that for you. Happiness isn’t given, or even something the universe owes to you, so be selfish and seek it out with a vengeance.